mi5chelle's Journal

you're gonna get a mailer demon.
dr. pepper fix in my nose, an autographed postcard from seth green, and my hair can best be described as "feathered." today can't get any better.

oh wait. did a cute girl just ask if i would be her human slip and slide? yep. that's what i thought :-)

josh and i are up for the same job. i'm nervous of his cartography skills. then again, i do have that shotgun. either way, i think he expected me to be upset about it... nah, that's not how i roll.

is this trowel-finding music??
you know, i love josh. truth be told, he is exactly what i need most of the time. last night joshy and i ventured a bit further into his territory. which was terrifying and hilarious. things we decided:
~ in the 8th grade, it seemed that a circle of space around two people at a dance was an admirable thing, deeming them worthy of respect. it turns out this is a total lie. and last night we were the kids around which the empty space couldn't help but exist.
~ in life, i shall end up with either a tank of a woman or an elegant bitch. the latter would be a tiny lady with short hair that looks big and a big purse with a tiny dog inside... "the sort of small dog that wouldn't be stylish anymore, but then again, probably never was." i sort of really like this idea, because i picture danielle cynically costumed in the finest french goods, barking orders at me. and really, i think this comes down the fact that i prefer to be the big spoon.
~ planting flowers on people's lawns under cover of night might seem a little too hippy at first, but if you think about it, it's pretty funny. must obtain a trowel to make my work rapid and flawless.
~ joshy ultimately likes me because i mutter things like, "i've got a shotgun" under my breath when talking about potentially being a squatter again. now, i don't really have a shotgun, but i would get one gladly and i would think it an adventure.
~ a rabid feminism does damage cross-contextually, because you don't have to be a feminist in your content to be one metaphysically. see last night: a black man negated all the work i'm doing because whites inherently take from the communities they "try to help." crazy feminist bastard. he did teach me, tho, to dub stealing "liberating;" for example, "i liberated these earrings from claire's. they were free." josh and i both find this curious yet intriguing.

speaking of danielle, i have a new toothbrush, with my dentist's name engraved on it. it's sleek and petite and aerodynamic with a flexy head and stylish grippers. i appreciate capitalism in rare moments like this, and that always makes me miss dan dan a little.

all you know about me's what i sold you
drank a cider today in honor of the charhotteness's b-day, then went to pbha buzzed, for the beauty of times gone by. i love it when people are wowwed at how on-top of my shit i am, when i know i'm a little drunk.

my therapist seems to think i shouldn't quit my job. he's worried i might not be wanting to for legitimate reasons, and that the upheaval might make me more unstable. hmmm. not sure.

i bought the most lovely orange duvet. it really makes my room happy. and color-coordinated. josh called it "luxurious." he also likes my earrings, which freak mk out a bit. but pauline says they're perfect for a coke party.

mk's going through some shit. i really hope things get easier for her. more on this in my head.
club cafe now so josh can a lover. if i weren't so exhausted i'd be wicked excited. so instead, i shall be just plain excited.

"put a little 'glass' in your life"
ok, the title of this post was on the side of a van that belongs to a glass company. is glass supposed to mean ass? is that *not* a weird thing to say? how bizarre.

therapy this morning was much better than last week. i laid down the law. plus i ended our session again today. he said he'll let me do that as long as i need to. which means i probably won't do it again, because i'm not letting anybody let me do anything. bah. i feel like this is gonna turn into some kinda goodwill hunting crap where he preaches me truth until my ears bleed. but today he said i am "undeniably stronger than most." and i've been happy about that for at least four hours. so maybe there's something to this afterall.

myspace messaging has become my new favorite hobby, aside from making snide remarks about society and culture. that one's gonna be tough to beat.

and my favorite realization of the day? (inspired by blaire.)
i think the jerry springer show is the perfect representation of american culture. which makes me a little sad and a little happy, all at once. it's so showy and full of expensive special effects we don't need, and people get into the *weirdest* situations because they don't have better things to worry about, or sometimes because they don't want to have to worry about better things. plus there's always that guy in the suit, who's really a politician and seems to be the only one anybody actually trusts, but really this is all his fault. yes.

as the new pope, i hereby sexcommunicate you.
"freezer burn; all else is only icing."

yesterday was *great*. met up with al and jenny, then we wandered around by the marathon finish line. i stepped on a huge dead rat, we saw a bunch of adorable puppies, and found lily and katharine and bunches of other lovelies. what a happy, drunken afternoon. i excommunicated somebody, raced a segway, had hot dogs and cider and raspberry hefeweisen, and then messed around at a playground. mmmm. such a good day. as al says, "if you're honey mustard and this car were a hot dog..."

last night mk and i had even more talking. i'm soooo talked out. i didn't even expect to have to do this yesterday. then i had bad dreams and apparently gnashed my teeth all night. something's got to give, something's got to change. i wish i didn't try to walk away when things get difficult. but i do, and that makes this even harder.

!!!!!! tool is touring !!!!!!! they are playing in boston in may. and you bet your fucking ass i'm going. and they have a new cd coming out in may. i think i'm going to die. the show will be at the orpheum, of which i'm not a huge fan. but maynard makes me woosy. all told, they are only playing a few shows. this makes me want to go to all of them.
want to come with me to the boston show?? let me know so we can buy tickets together. they go on sale saturday morning.

for the record, i feel like i'm losing my mind.

strings with no sex attached / *you* go sit next to castration boy
the game today was far more fun than i thought it would be. we started out at boston beer works- the blueberry ale actually has blueberries in it. mmmmmm. but i had the cider :-) then the woman who brought me started a conversation about ani, social norms and constructs, socialism, feminism in scandinavian countries, and crowd mentality and its ability to negate individualism. if only she hadn't decided she's too old for me, we might have eloped to norway. or sweden. she prefers the former, and i the latter. ah, cursed before we had a chance.

then to the game, where we were sitting next to a man from south carolina. he said people in the north have no manners, altho people in boston are good people, despite the lack of social grace. for example, he noted that "if you ask someone on the t for directions, they will say, fuck you, and then tell you that you're looking for the e train, not the c." then he went directly into talking about how he's "real country", and could tell us some "real country stories," like the fact that his first memory is watching his father castrate their pigs. his next memory is that of his father castrating a bull (which, i now know, entails tying a rubberband around the goods and waiting for them to drop off) and then the bull running into a tree repeatedly, until it died of mourning at the loss of its nuts. *then* he asked my friend how old she is. and she wouldn't tell. so he asked again. and again. and again. his efforts didn't become more suave over time (about 45 minutes total). he just kept saying, "come on. i gotta know. i'm not going to be able to sleep at night. how old are you?" finally my friend asked if the man has a.d.d., to which he responded yes, and she suggested he focus his gaze on something shiny to distract him. this man proudly attends a military academy. in south carolina. yes.

then easter supper with tracy. now joshy is here visiting and we're both sitting in my living room typing things on the online.

i almost came out to my father today. brian gave me some stellar advice, including the suggestion that i wait until a day that is not easter. maybe tomorrow, once i've had a little drinky drink by way of the marathon. which, by the way, i love. people run the marathon. other people sit around and *watch* them run. a lot of those people are drinking, because it is actually entertaining to watch people run for fun. because running for fun is an entirely absurd concept, and surely created purely for my amusement.

damn me for having a crush on yet another out of stater. i should go on tour. a *love* tour.

throw back the noise and get another one
yesterday was pretty great. i got to adventure with mk, which involved buying a jock strap, accidentally hurling a boiled egg at a taxi, getting a new tattoo for me!, and lots and lots of talking. wow are we talked out. in a good way.

then i saw isa and schac-attack, and the pre-drag show. still weird seeing friends on campus- it's like the joy i get is a muffled version of what i used to have. so bizarre.

then the fun! kicked some serious ass as the mid east. congrats kids! they get to move onto the next level of competition, and i tell you what, every one of my friends needs to be there. by the way, there now exists a great picture of me trying to feed a 7-11 meatball sub to a scary, fierce old woman mural. it's beautiful. i've never posted pictures here before, but when i get my hands on this one, i'd like you all to pee yourselves for its beauty. my other favorite parts of the evening included lily's mom buying me beer and then hanging out with people in the big stall in the girl's bathroom with the door closed. also, jenny and i have boob dance parties and that brings me joy.

happy easter, if that's your thing. i have to see the red sox today. not that i don't want to... i'm just worried it will be awkward and boring. i'll bring my sewing. we're apparently behind the home plate, or whatever it's called, so maybe you'll see me on the tv.

also, yes, i'm officially desperate. if you know someone i should be dating, or at least be making out with, please have your people call my people and then maybe i won't feel so lonely. also! i'm looking for a new job. if you know of anything raucous, see instructions in previous sentence.

don't touch another eye after you touch that eye
it turns out jo also had a crazy, bizarre day. so we decided to go to a movie and have a slow evening of it. we get there, and 20 minutes later the credits roll. so we realized they sent us to the wrong theatre, and both of us, given our independently crazy days, think this is the most hilarious thing that could possibly have happened. we didn't even have to ask- they gave us free tickets to come back because they saw us come out of the theater, *very shortly after entering*, looking entirely confused. for the record, the end of "friends with money" is pretty good.

also, four days ago i had some grapes in a plastic bag. i went into my backpack to get them for lunch, but they were not there. i haven't seen them since. i know they're around somewhere. when they surface, it might be because i've sniffed them out. i'm nervous about this.

this weather is beautiful... window wide open and sleeping naked with only a sheet.

michelle, michelle, what a weird girlie
wow. so. here's some stuff.

i'm feeling more settled at this moment in time than i have for a few days. i'm tired, bored, and lonely. i really wish i had a girlfriend. see previous post on needing intimate cuddling. and yes, i think what i want right now is a girlfriend, without complication. it would be an interesting change, and given recent craziness in my head, i need some kind of change.

major issues right now include:
*potentially being in love with a close friend- must sort must sort must sort emotions.
*being interested in someone who is also interested in me but is not currently capable of being involved with me because of serious dyke drama.
*being interested in people who live far enough away that i will lose interest.
*probably being better off not being interested in anybody at all because of my newly discovered dysfunctional concept of love.
*needing to be rescued this morning. i think it was part therapy-induced, part gendercrash-triggered, and part being grrrl-related emotionally trainwrecked, but, i lost my shit all over the place and spent most of the morning on a sidewalk in chinatown biting myself to try and keep from dissociating, except that it had already started happening because why the fuck else would i be on the ground in chinatown? yeahhhh.

i'm feeling better right now. i'm scared that i'm crazy, tho. i'm sad because i saw two teenagers having sex on the common at copley mall. i'm bored. bored in that way where i don't want to actually do anything. i just want to hang out with close friends while they watch tv and i probably sleep. maybe i'll do my taxes instead and stalk my gmail inbox.

i feel like i'm an obscure ingredient at the grocery store that people are intrigued by, but nobody can quite figure out what to serve it with or how to cook it.

arms akimbo and my basement's flooding
sometimes after you exercise your muscles are sore, and harvard kids don't say what they mean.

i mean this: holy *fuck*.

things just got soooo complicated inside my head and i can't stop pooping. i almost shat myself on the bus yesterday. it was amazing.

therapy isn't supposed to make me more crazy, i think, but i feel completely insane. really. my insides are sloshy and i'm really hungry but i can't eat and i keep crying and laughing and i have a cloth hankerchief in my pocket just for the tearing up and i'm prettttttyyyy sure i'm slipping into being manic because i keep thinking about doing crazy things but really i just want to sit somewhere peaceful and i know once i do that i'll start cryingcryingcryingcryingcrying. gah.

i do wish things were easy for once, because in addition to being suddenly crazy, there is also an unbelievably complicated storm afoot... it reminds me of that time in mather when someone organized a coordinated toilet flush- a lot of people all flushed at the same time in this dorm and the pipes exploded because they couldn't handle the flow. i think what i need is a labotomy.

slip of the tongue, slight of the hand, who gave that buddhist a frying pan?
alright people. i am so desperately lonely. it hurts. i would give most anything to have somebody i care about snuggle with me sometimes in the night. and then with the crying.

this has been a crying day. therapy was rough. i was the one to end the session. we talked about my mom and the man made me stop because he was worried i was going to dissociate. which was really jarring, because *i* knew i was no where close and i really just needed about 5 minutes to cry it out. but he didn't let me get it out and i've been carrying it around all day. then he said some things about me that i don't agree with, and i told him that i don't use those words about myself (eg, insecure) and that we needed to find language around these things that we both agree on. next week i need to set him straight on a couple things before we start, i guess.

i'm also really (perhaps unreasonably) upset about getting paid by an organization that is compromising it's good works such that it doesn't have to abide by anti-descrimination law. that's hot.

i wish i had somebody to hold me. not all the time. maybe just right now.

do you think there are any laws against putting your nipple in your nose?
as predicted, so much wonderful. supper and boba and walking and walking and driving and almost dying and rocking out and no awkward. nope. just awesome and wonderful and more wonderful

i hope she likes me.

he's a smart guy, and he knows.
reading "the bell jar"- about halfway through, and it's definitely one of my favorite books, tho i've been warned that it gets a bit intense.

second therapy session tomorrow and i'm really nervous. there's stuff i have to talk about that happens to be stuff i really don't want to talk about. i know it will be good; i just need to brace myself.

i get to hang out with a new friend tonight. the last couple days have been great, and i'm excited for more goodness.

in news, the associated press says "Records show key figures in a phone-jamming scheme had regular contact with the White House and Republican Party." remember when clinton had an affair and the republicans tried to kick him out? why isn't anyone reacting to this continuous betrayal of democracy by the republican party? i say we should rebel. somebody somewhere needs to get really angry and start this revolution. i'm half tempted to become a politician and do it myself.

cataloguing or cattle logging?
today turned out much better than it started... i don't think my earlier post did justice to how awesome it felt to actually use my lungs. don't worry, i still hate jogging and its apostles; i think i might take up random and intense screaming as a hobby. you know, the sort you don't direct at anyone, you just do it when no one is home or when you're alone in the woods.

josh let me drive his car from *my house to cambridge*!! this was intense, as it was my first city driving. one pedestrian almost bit it, but as josh pointed out, a driver's license is *not* a euthanasia license, so i'm gonna try to keep them from hitting the grill. i even parallel parked it. woah.

then joshy and i hit up the galleria. nothing highly interesting there (except holy crap, that's a lie. we found *kick-ass* sunglasses! we have to go back for a photoshoot. he had the shiny, asshole-state-trooper ones, and i had the giant, white, these-are-designer-and-cover-half-the-surface-area-of-my-face ones), aside from the fact that isa was apparently there at the same time trying to salvage the scraps of her pooped-out computer. oh! and i had a delicious hot dog wrapped in pretzel.... mmmmmm. and the ferrets at petco are soooooo cute. and i love josh with a furious passion.

then mk and i had dinner and hung out. which was fantastic. and i'm so happy. i learned so much about her in that 2 hours. it seems sort of ridiculous, but i'm *really* excited to see where our friendship goes from here. then i got all sorts of unexpected presents! soap and *three* bars of foreign chocolate and, um, several really good hugs, suggestions of some things to read and some art to consider. in short, it's always great to see jo and isa and christina.

by the way, for fantastic organic body goods, go to www.lush.com - really wonderful stuff.

and i got an email from a cute girl. a happy email.

friends, this is optimal model for how a day starts out ugly and ends beautifully. except for maybe that day around new year's when josh and i drove to maine. it's a tie.

so i go creeping around these corners, thinking it's right around that bend
i've got this awful feeling like i need to throw up so hard my eyeballs pop out and i want to stab myself in the face to make it stop. so instead i put on three bras and sweats and i'm going to run. there's more wrong with me than i thought. but don't be mistaken, this is *not* jogging.

you know who you are- thank you for being amazing and calling me. both of you.

i guess i just want to be somebody's priority and then we're back at zero.

*****

and i forgot to post this, so at this point i went out to run, took a hot bath (which i haven't done since before puberty- funny how my boobs float in the water), at a peanut butter and banana and honey sandwich, and talked with josh 3 more times on the phone. phew.

let's go to the bathing suit place
baster is terrified of bjork. whenever i start playing her, he opens his eyes realllly widely and stares at me for a few seconds before running away to hide under the pretend-hiding chair.

they say you don't shit where you eat. i think that's not quite right. i think it's even more relevant that you have to take care where you put your hair such that you avoid complications. that way you don't suddenly realize you're face down on the shower floor, and your hair's caught in the drain and you have to call your sister to bring in the scissors. i want to keep my hair, or what's left of it, and so i'm cutting off some other things instead.

don't put boba in your pants, or let a stranger do so either, for that matter.

african drumming and no place to sleep. no sleep for me. no place for me. no no no none, nein, keine fur mich. i'm too busy watching cups overflow and wondering if i should be trying to drink faster than it's coming out. overflow overflow overflow.

don't steal mexican onions- the world series is overheating
so mass upheld this olllllld law that says you can't get married here if your home state doesn't recognize your marriage. like if you're gay. or you're marrying a goat. which isn't quite the same... but they say goats are the only animal with a natural sense of democracy. that's why they're called nature's president. i guess, then, it makes sense that the catholics wouldn't let gay marriages adopt, because who would give a goat a baby??? because clearly we don't value democracy. because clearly the president has been mandating the leak of highly confidential security information. clearly.

speaking of christians, they found the gospel of judas. turns out jesus *asked* him to turn him in. huh. i guess they'd better redo jesus christ, super star. and it amuses me that people have chosen what of early christianity they do and do not believe. they treat common gospels as, well, gospel, and yet dismiss what they don't want to hear. i'm sooo done with organized religion.

yesterday i accidentally touched a waitress's butt. that was just after lily informed me that immigrants at the mexican border are now given buzzers, a la cheesecake factory, and can return for citizenship when it starts shimmying.

and just one *tiny* rant... who in their right mind supports this war? nobody even knows what we're actually there for, the people of iraq don't want us there, this is clearly an issue of blood for oil. and yet it seems that people are confusing "helping people and making the world a better place" with "risking your life so republicans can make more money." alriiiiiiggght. that's what i thought. the only reason we care about other countries is when they are making us money. thus no intervention in countless atrocities of recent history (do the research yourself, or at least read some michael moore), and yet here we are in a post-modern colonialization of iraq. sure it doesn't look like the antiquated britain-in-india situation, but you know it's the same shit.

might i just say, i highly respect katharine's knowledge of current events.
taxes, taxes, can't believe i still haven't done my taxes.

you, too, could put mud in urine jars and make mad cash
just got home from al and jenny's for jenny's "welcome to town" revelry. i don't know if she'll read this, but... hey jenny! welcome to town :-)

my cat was just doing the funniest thing. he came into my room, stood at the end of my bed, hid his face from me, slowly peaked it out, and as soon as we made eye contact, he leaped violently out of the room. he did this at least half a dozen times. what a weird cute little bugger he is.

also, i just found out about something really wonderful mk did when i wasn't looking.

i've used the word "just" an awful lot here. i think it's because katharine engaged me in a talk about social entrepreneurship and i really don't think you can fit socialism into a capitalist framework, so perhaps i'm merely subconsciously projecting the justice i hope is inherent to all societies. yeah, i know. i'm a dork.

all got up in bellhop drag
i won the lottery! $5! hot damn.

i never knew german could be spoken with a soft tongue. i also didn't know there were so many logically-minded people around. read this article (courtesy of josh) about how other people also seem to think ebola is a *great* way to weed out the population:
http://www.sas.org/tcs/weeklyIssues_2006/2006-04-07/feature1p/index.html

al and i did some scheming tonight about how i should take down the world with ebola, should i ever be a virologist with access to the goods. part of why i appreciate al is that he'll talk with me, and at length, about the validity of, and cracks in, my plans to destroy humankind.

josh, mk, cindy, and i went bowling yesterday. it's soooo much more expensive than it ought to be, but luckily we had a gift certificate. i might have a developing talent, tho, which tempts me to buy my own alley- or build one! then i could bowl whenever i want. but my bowling muscles would be constantly sore, and we all know that means no sex... i'm going to have to think through this plan a bit more.

then we all had a little food, which is where i realized for the first time that i actually *do* care what people think about me. granted, the only opinions that seem to count are those of my closest friends. josh and i went to traniwreck- sorry to those i forgot to invite [al!]; please let me know if you want me to let you know next time i go. (that is if you haven't already done so while consulting me about how to best slip ebola into someone's drink.)

i am very appreciative to josh for talking with me all night and then today. i've been in a really frustrated place about most aspects of my life for quite some time now. but joshy listened up and let me vent and it felt good just to get that out. maybe i'll let him talk sometime :-) he also did more to fix my computer in two hours than the dell people have done in, well, forever. i get internet at home now, but hooking up with ethernet cause the wireless card is all sortsa busted up. wheeeeeeee!

speaking of needing to talk, i start therapy tomorrow. i'm very nervous, because this is going to bring up a lot of stuff i've been putting a lot of energy into avoiding. but it'll be good, i know.

dykes on bikes in the sunshiney
yesterday a friend said, "you should trust whatever josh says. he knows pretty much everything." which is true. including the fact that, should i buy car A, and should he buy car B, he's not to be phased if i should become jealous of his luxury vehicle, no matter the strength of my desire that he not drive his. especially if i really want to drive my car, and it's not that i want to drive his, just that i don't want *him* to drive it.

i got tagged to talk about 6 weird/strange habits i have. the last time i tried to avoid a game of tag was in the third grade, and i broke my arm. so i'd best not resist:

1- mostly everybody knows about my fear of wet paper. yes, it's a fear. yes, i'm feeling nauseous writing about it.

2- i can suck on my own nipples. less of a habit and more of a... well, you're right. it's a habit.

3- i have an anti-talent when it comes to flirting. i guess i'm naturally pretty flirtatious, but as soon as i'm attracted to somebody, i become a bumbling moron. and a shy one at that. if i've ever been awkward around you, it's probably because i'm in serious like with you.

4- i'm a very bad speller. people assume otherwise. but i look up a lot of words, and i'm a good guesser, so it covers.

5- i'm afraid of the dark, so sometimes i stay up all night because it's empowering. give yourself a hug if you've ever stayed up all night with me- it was appreciated. or demand one from me next time i see you.

6- i love putting peanut butter on people. with my fingers. and not in a sexual way. it's an inexplicable drive.

let me get up on it, let me get up on it, let me let me let me get up on it.

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